


You & I

by esquisse



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 20:25:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esquisse/pseuds/esquisse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If only our circumstances were different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You & I

**Author's Note:**

> My fail attempt at writing angst. Only vague allusions to Eunhae.

I was baptized six months before you, on a breezy April day. I grew up listening to the pastor every Sunday.

*

I first saw you in class 1-E, on the first day of elementary school. For some reason, I liked you right away. When you came up to me and demanded we play on the swings together, I was ecstatic. We became inseparable ever since.

  
I'd always admired you growing up. You were the outgoing one, who charmed the pants out of all the teachers, who made the girls swoon over how cute you were, whom all the boys wanted to be friends with. I was quiet and boring, but for some reason you stayed with me anyway.  
  
Somehow, between all the video games I know you let me win, all the things I bought for you because you "accidentally" left your wallet at home, all the dates you rejected just to hang out with me, all the times I let you copy my homework, between the birthdays and sleepovers and mischief, that admiration turned into love.  
  
*

I didn't realize it at first. I knew that our friendship was quite different than most boys', but I never thought it was weird. But then I started paying closer attention to you, and noticed how I always looked forward to spending time with you, how my whole day seemed to be brighter with you around, how my heart always started thumping loudly whenever you were near. And then it dawned on me, the truth I’d been trying to repress.  
  
I didn't want to be gay. I refused to be different. I was supposed to like girls, to marry someone with silky long hair, to have 2.2 children and to grow old in a nice house with a picket fence. But all I could think about was you, with your tousled brown hair, with the dogs you wanted to adopt and the little bungalow next to the sea that you wanted to live in. And I thought maybe eternal damnation wasn't so bad, if I had memories of you to keep me company.  
  
*

We were watching a movie together, on a rainy July day. You laughed as someone told a funny joke. I watched the way your eyes crinkled into half moons instead. I leaned in and kissed you.

Before my brain could register how soft your lips felt, you pulled away. I told you that I liked you. The beam of your face right then might have been able to power the whole city. You confessed that you had been crushing on me since we were little. _How could you never have noticed_ , you murmured, _how I always lit up when you were around, or how I looked at you like you hung the moon, or how I always believed everything you said despite how ridiculous it sounded?_

We kissed again, and again. I never thought love could be that effortlessly simple.

*

Being your boyfriend wasn’t much different from being your best friend. We were still joined at the hip, still played around like children, still fought and laughed and cried and snuck out late at night. But I got to kiss you, and stare shamelessly at you, and be completely honest about everything with you. Those were more than enough perks I could ever ask for.

I mouthed “I love you” on the warm skin of your neck. You giggled, and said you never thought you could be so happy. Me neither, I never knew life could be like this until I met you.  
  
*

I wondered what He would think about our relationship. I wanted to ignore it.

 _Even if the world curses at us_ , you said, _I'll still love you_. Back then, those words were enough for me. Back then, there was no doubt in my mind that what we were doing was right. Back then, I would have been happy enough with just you.

*

Happiness had to end at some point. I tried not to care about what anyone else thought, but I failed miserably. I couldn’t continue lying and going against the beliefs imposed on me. If I stayed with you, what would my parents say? What would our friends say? What would society say?

I had to break up with you.

The look on your face caused me more pain than any of my own heartbreak ever could. _I'm honored to have had the privilege to love you. Now, the only time I can see you is in my dreams._  
  
*

I hoped we never had to cross paths again, but I couldn't avoid you forever. Everyone still thought we were best friends, so I still had to see you and act normal around you.

I got married a few years after college to a girl my mother introduced me to. She was nice and pretty, and everything a wife should be, but she wasn't you. And she never will be.  
  
You dated a few people here and there, after we broke up. I knew I had no right to feel jealous of them, because I was the one who let you go, because I had a wife, but it hurt anyway.

*

I wish I had been courageous enough to stay with you, but it's too late now. I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry I didn't believe in us, didn't fight harder for us. I'm sorry I made you cry. Sorry sorry sorry. I hope you don't forgive me.  
  
Nevertheless, I miss you. I miss holding your hand and being in your arms. I miss staying up late at night just to talk to you. I miss the way you teased me all the time, although I pretended it was annoying. I miss the corny things you used to whisper in my ear. I miss hugging you and kissing you. I miss you so much it hurts every time I think of you.  
  
I don't regret loving you. But I'm sorry you had to love someone like me.


End file.
